In life we all make choices that we're left to live with. In that
moment when you decide, somehow you can rationalize, there's a reason why you
are choosing to do what you are, even if you aren't completely sure it's what
you want; but in hindsight, sometimes the biggest choices you make, bring you
the greatest disappointments. You always knew that there was a risk in walking
down that path, u always knew there were just two outcomes: total, complete
bliss and fulfillment or utter devastation and heartache; no in between, no odd
combination of the two, no grey undiscovered territory, no middle ground... Yet
down this path you still ventured, hoping for the best, wanting that happy
ending, thinking that the good would outweigh the bad, that you surely deserve
the best, that this was that best.
And then, then you get an answer, the truth, the choice gets made
for you... And as you look back, see the warnings, the signs, you don't see the
regret, you don't have the anger, not even the deep sorrow for the loss of what
could've been. Numb. That is what I am right now. I'm sitting and waiting for
this dam to break for the whole tirade of mixed emotions to descend. The only
thoughts running through my mind, is the constant questioning and search for my
rationalization for sticking by and going through it all for this long. It was
my choice, totally and completely my own choice, my own mistake to make, and I
have absolutely no idea why I did it.
So much does not make sense, yet so much seems clearer. I don't
regret my choice, or the entire experience; it’s another stop on my learning
curve, with all the bad did come some good. Ahead, lies an entire world for me
to explore... My new beginning starts now...
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