Its been a while...

Its been so long since I've felt so despondent, so helpless.

I know life is a like a book, each experience a chapter, ultimately leading to some grand finale. I don't know if its a happy ending though. I'm not a cynic who thinks bad things only happen and the worlds out to get me. On the contrary, I'm a firm believer in good coming to those who deserve it, and in the fairy tale happy endings. Although, I don't know if such happy endings are written in my own destiny.

 

I've been lucky enough to be graced with some blessings that others have waited a lifetime for; I've also been graced with my fair share of tests and trials, all from which I've found a lesson to be learnt, or an experience from which to be enriched. Lately though, it feels like its all too much, like growing up is the most overrated experience in the world!

 

I’ve never been the best at anything. I’ve chosen to live my life, measuring myself against my own standards, not anyone else's. Now I can’t help but think what if it was just my way of compensating for not being good enough.

What if this is all I am? What if this is all I’ll ever be? What if this is just what’s left of my life?

I'm searching for answers, looking for hope, floating by on this cloud of nothingness, longing for some sort of salvation, some guiding light, or atleast just something that makes everything else bearable.

And now, I've come to realise, that honestly, it could've been MUCH MUCH worse.
Life goes on... We live, we learn... It is, what it is :)

 

searching

They say that everything in life has a season, that each experience is a learning process. They say that time heals all wounds and that someday this will all make sense, someday you’ll eventually understand. They say that it gets easier, and that you deserve so much better.

The thing is nobody tells you about now. What do are you meant to do till you reach that later stage when all the wisdom and understanding dawns?

Sometimes, I wish life came with a handbook; a little guide of little how to do’s.

How to get out of REALLY awkward moments

How to love

How to make everyone happy

How to forgive

How to forget

How to deal with loss

How to remember the good without the bad

How to always have a good hair day

And the book I need right now, how to accept it?

At the risk of sounding like a really emo soul, the truth is nobody understands. Nobody can really be certain of the outcome, of the road that lies ahead of you.

Yes I want to be happy, but do I want to forget? Do I want to remember everything?

What do I do? Where to from here? A whole new beginning? Going forward, will I really know where to draw the line?

I feel like timothy traddle, like I should be singing “I don’t know what to do, I haven’t got a clue”.

How do you reach a point of acceptance?

Yes I know, that the reason this hasn’t worked is because it was not destined for me but how do I make peace with this?

So many questions, so little answers…

Guess I’ve got to start giving time a chance here

The dawning of realisation

In life we all make choices that we're left to live with. In that moment when you decide, somehow you can rationalize, there's a reason why you are choosing to do what you are, even if you aren't completely sure it's what you want; but in hindsight, sometimes the biggest choices you make, bring you the greatest disappointments. You always knew that there was a risk in walking down that path, u always knew there were just two outcomes: total, complete bliss and fulfillment or utter devastation and heartache; no in between, no odd combination of the two, no grey undiscovered territory, no middle ground... Yet down this path you still ventured, hoping for the best, wanting that happy ending, thinking that the good would outweigh the bad, that you surely deserve the best, that this was that best.

And then, then you get an answer, the truth, the choice gets made for you... And as you look back, see the warnings, the signs, you don't see the regret, you don't have the anger, not even the deep sorrow for the loss of what could've been. Numb. That is what I am right now. I'm sitting and waiting for this dam to break for the whole tirade of mixed emotions to descend. The only thoughts running through my mind, is the constant questioning and search for my rationalization for sticking by and going through it all for this long. It was my choice, totally and completely my own choice, my own mistake to make, and I have absolutely no idea why I did it.

So much does not make sense, yet so much seems clearer. I don't regret my choice, or the entire experience; it’s another stop on my learning curve, with all the bad did come some good. Ahead, lies an entire world for me to explore... My new beginning starts now...

beginnings

The hope of something better keeps me progressing along in my journey of life. I know not who I am, what I want or what I need, but I keep moving forward, simply existing, hoping that one day this all will make sense; that someday I can sit back and be content, that looking back a few years from now (however long that may be) I might actually be happy.

I want to say that I have a list of goals, that I have some direction, but alas I am but a mere soul, drifting along in hope of being found, in hope of being complete, in hope of finally feeling as though I am a part of something bigger, of having a purpose, of making a difference.

It’s not as though I am completely unhappy now; on the contrary, lately it feels as though I just tether on the border of some great, unfound moment, as though some great encounter awaits me.

Hope is a brilliant savior. In a world where life may present a fading picture of gloom and uncertainty, hope is that little bit of color in the corner, egging one on, making one want to turn that corner, to find that missing piece, to build a complete puzzle. Hope is that little reminder, that little voice in your head that says it’s going to be okay someday; someday it will all make sense.

Hope is not wanting more, its believing that your Creator has a greater destiny for you, and that someday soon, you’ll wake up and find yourself understanding your role in the middle of His masterpiece.

Life is more than just a moment, more than just a day… it’s a compilation of moments, a combination of days, a treasure box of emotions, a masterpiece in it’s own right.

Life is what’s waiting to happen to you, each and every day, it’s just up to you to choose to make it memorable.