searching

They say that everything in life has a season, that each experience is a learning process. They say that time heals all wounds and that someday this will all make sense, someday you’ll eventually understand. They say that it gets easier, and that you deserve so much better.

The thing is nobody tells you about now. What do are you meant to do till you reach that later stage when all the wisdom and understanding dawns?

Sometimes, I wish life came with a handbook; a little guide of little how to do’s.

How to get out of REALLY awkward moments

How to love

How to make everyone happy

How to forgive

How to forget

How to deal with loss

How to remember the good without the bad

How to always have a good hair day

And the book I need right now, how to accept it?

At the risk of sounding like a really emo soul, the truth is nobody understands. Nobody can really be certain of the outcome, of the road that lies ahead of you.

Yes I want to be happy, but do I want to forget? Do I want to remember everything?

What do I do? Where to from here? A whole new beginning? Going forward, will I really know where to draw the line?

I feel like timothy traddle, like I should be singing “I don’t know what to do, I haven’t got a clue”.

How do you reach a point of acceptance?

Yes I know, that the reason this hasn’t worked is because it was not destined for me but how do I make peace with this?

So many questions, so little answers…

Guess I’ve got to start giving time a chance here

The dawning of realisation

In life we all make choices that we're left to live with. In that moment when you decide, somehow you can rationalize, there's a reason why you are choosing to do what you are, even if you aren't completely sure it's what you want; but in hindsight, sometimes the biggest choices you make, bring you the greatest disappointments. You always knew that there was a risk in walking down that path, u always knew there were just two outcomes: total, complete bliss and fulfillment or utter devastation and heartache; no in between, no odd combination of the two, no grey undiscovered territory, no middle ground... Yet down this path you still ventured, hoping for the best, wanting that happy ending, thinking that the good would outweigh the bad, that you surely deserve the best, that this was that best.

And then, then you get an answer, the truth, the choice gets made for you... And as you look back, see the warnings, the signs, you don't see the regret, you don't have the anger, not even the deep sorrow for the loss of what could've been. Numb. That is what I am right now. I'm sitting and waiting for this dam to break for the whole tirade of mixed emotions to descend. The only thoughts running through my mind, is the constant questioning and search for my rationalization for sticking by and going through it all for this long. It was my choice, totally and completely my own choice, my own mistake to make, and I have absolutely no idea why I did it.

So much does not make sense, yet so much seems clearer. I don't regret my choice, or the entire experience; it’s another stop on my learning curve, with all the bad did come some good. Ahead, lies an entire world for me to explore... My new beginning starts now...